Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
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My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Who says great literature is dead?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.