Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
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[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.