Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.