If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
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I have obtained a hat
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
True?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.