[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
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The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
The internet is magic sometimes.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.