Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
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[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.