[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
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[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
two people or more is called a problem
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.