A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
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Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.