If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
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Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”