First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
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No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?