Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
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I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!