“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
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How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?