sensitive skin
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Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust