well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
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her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
me and who
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?