wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
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I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
My favorite farside!!
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Lmao
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”