My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
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A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.