To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.