my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
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DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.