Meanwhile in Canada…
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Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
reviewed some movies recently
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.