People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.