My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
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[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War