axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
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me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*