Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
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Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My love language is hissing.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?