No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Best seat on the street 😍
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.