every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
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I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
plums roundup
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?