CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
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I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Seals are just dog mermaids.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.