The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
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gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times