“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
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Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please