You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
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Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”