I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
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The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
They got a point!
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.