Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
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I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
idk what he going thru but i feel him
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”