Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
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Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom