Modded the new Gran Turismo
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[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Every work call, he judges.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys