Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I could NOT have put it better myself.