[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
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Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.