I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
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Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*limbos under the caution tape
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.