Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
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Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Sponch
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler