Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
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Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds