People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
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[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Every time my phone rings
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.