If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
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Iβm holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. Thereβs no way they donβt get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
nature’s most graceful animal
All panties are edible if youβre dedicated enough.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouseβs towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My neighborβs smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
The reason I donβt like costume parties is the bit two hours in when youβre listening to your friend talking about her mumβs dementia and youβre dressed as Mario.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. Thereβs no in between.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how yβall doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW YβALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: thatβs better
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers βNo thanks. I had lunch yesterdayβ
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so Iβm really crushing my water intake today
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves