I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I’ve had worse
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.