If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
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ME: *exists*
KID: thatâs not how mommy does it
Her: I said Iâd like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I do so love when Iâm not on twit for a few hours and when I come back thereâs something that everyoneâs alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like Iâm reading the log on an abandoned ship
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when itâs coming from my suitcase.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think Iâll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like sheâs wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I miss the days when my 2yo didnât have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Me after watching a horror movie! đ¤Łđ¤Ł
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
âAh wellâ
âNever mind, ehâ
âWasnât meant to beâ
âShameâ
âCould be worseâ
âSuch is lifeâ
âHey hoâ
âCanât be helpedâ
âMustnât grumbleâ
âRightâ
âIt is what it isâ
âI knew itâ
âWeâre still alive⌠barelyâ
âAt least itâs not rainingâ
âIâll put the kettle onâ
âWeâll laugh about this one dayâ
âTypicalâ
âBuggerâ
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said âno, i was born abroadâ and then there was a long silence followed by her saying âcan you please help me? i canât find âAbroadâ on this listâŚâ and showed me a drop down list of countriesâŚ
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about itâ carry yolky
Having a child doesnât make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”