Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
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[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.