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I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
what’s really going on
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one