The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
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That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”