Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets