I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
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my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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。
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*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.