*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
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Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
This why you should mind your business
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.