Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
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I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.