Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
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Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?